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Writer's pictureA.R. Ditesheim

Breaking the Silence: Addressing Domestic Violence in LGBTQ+ Relationships

Last year around this time, Brianna Hicks, founder of Half Moon, wrote a blog about the lack of awareness and resources for LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing domestic violence. She was called to write the blog after watching the reunion show of Queer Ultimatum and, like so many of us, was left feeling shocked and confused at the show's lack of trigger warnings and discussion about the abuse that took place after filming between one of the couples. As the

Queer Ultimatum gears up for its second season; I am reminded of the importance of Queer representation–both the good and the ugly. 


The conversation around LGBTQ+ domestic violence needs to be ongoing and not just when highlighted in the media. For those in LGBT relationships, the experience of abuse and violence can be particularly complex, compounded by societal stigma and discrimination. This blog aims to shed light on the specific dynamics and signs of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships and provide a few resources. 


Forms of Abuse Beyond Physical and Sexual:

Below are a few tactics and examples abusive partners may use to keep a survivor in a relationship; these forms of abuse may be seen in any relationship, including Queer relationships.


  • Intimidation: destroying phone, hitting wall

  • Emotional Abuse: name-calling, playing mind games, guilt-tripping

  • Isolation: limiting social interactions with friends or family, using jealousy to justify actions

  • Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: making light of abuse, gaslighting

  • Children and/or Pets: threatening to take away children or pets, using visitation to harass 

  • Economic Abuse: preventing you from keeping or getting a job, making you ask for money, taking money away

  • Coercion and Threats: threatening to hurt you or themselves, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to leave 

Below are how these forms of abuse may show up in LGBTQ+ relationships and a few other types of power, control, and abuse that are specific to Queer relationships. 


  • Intimidation: using looks, gestures, or actions to reinforce homophobic or transphobic control

  • Emotional Abuse: questioning your sexuality, invalidating your sexuality, reinforcing internalized homophobia, guilt, or shame. 

  • Isolation: limiting or not allowing you to be a part of Queer groups or organizations, limiting access to family or friends

  • Minimizing, Denying, or Blaming: saying women can’t abuse women/men can’t abuse men, accusing of mutual abuse

  • Children and/or Pets: threatening to tell children about your sexuality or gender

  • Coercion and Threats: threatening to “out” you

  • Heterosexism: using heterosexual roles to normalize abuse and control

  • Identity-Related Abuse: threatening to expose legal name and pronouns, threatening to share HIV status, using dead names and pronouns to invalidate identity

What Do Healthy LGBTQIA+ Relationships Look Like: 


  • Respecting Physical Space: Allowing partner to be alone or to be with others as they please, respecting their property and body

  • Non-Threatening Behavior: speaking and acting in a way that your partner feels safe and comfortable to express self

  • Empowerment: respecting partner’s identities and needs based on their intersecting identities

  • Economic: making financial decisions together, each partner is allowed to make own choices in career and educational growth

  • Responsible Parenting: Sharing 

  • Sexual Consent and Respect: respecting boundaries and kinks, discussing safe sex

  • Trust, Support, Empowerment: supporting partner’s identities and goals for transition, encouraging and supporting partner’s identity and connection to community, supporting partner’s choice on how to come out, using partner’s name and pronouns correctly

  • Honesty, Accountability, and Respect: accepting responsibility, admitting wrongs, communicating honestly and openly

  • Emotional Support: Support partner(s) in identity exploration, navigating family relationships, and acknowledging their reality and needs. 

Resources:

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it's important to know that affirming LGBTQIA+ help is available. Here are some resources…

North Carolina Resources
National Resources
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Offers 24/7 support for anyone experiencing domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233

  • The Trevor Project: Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBT youth. Call 1-866-488-7386

  • GLBT National Help Center: Offers free and confidential support for LGBT individuals. Call 1-888-843-4564

  • Forge: Provides support and resources specifically for transgender and non-binary individuals experiencing violence.


It's crucial that we continue the discussion about domestic violence and abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships. Understanding the dynamics of power and control, recognizing the signs of abuse, and knowing where to find supportive help are all essential steps toward building safer and healthier relationships within our community. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out to the resources listed above. Remember, you deserve a safe, affirming, and healthy Queer relationship.

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